Be Gentle
Don’t beat yourself up. You are not a piñata. That is not candy coming out of
you when you do.
Bob Goff
What kind of feelings come up when you look back on moments in your past? I have to be honest that anger, shame and embarrassment almost always beat the warm fuzzies to the front of my mind, in any given situation.
I drew this picture more than 18 months ago on my iPad, and it's just been sitting there, waiting. I knew this week was finally time. But I was struggling on what really spoke to the heart of what I was looking to say.
I was listening to a podcast with Bob Goff, and he spoke these words: "Don't beat yourself up. You are not a piñata. That is not candy coming out of you when you do." Then he continued "Take [your] next courageous step."
He was talking about being an author and writing books. But I think it applies a lot farther than that.
See, this is one of my very favorite pictures of childhood in our home in the last 10 years. It was a moment of peaceful quiet. It was one of my babies showing how big she was getting as she picked the purple blooms off of the hostas by herself. We were outside in our space, making do with what we had. She looked at me that morning, and I imagined this was her personal secret garden. There’s something special about the lighting and how it makes the green extra green. About how the lighting and the camera worked together to make everything feel soft.
But I also look at this picture and see all the weeds. I look at the picture, knowing that it was just a month away from Sylvia joining the family, and remember how much we didn’t do and how much I didn’t document. I immediately see all of the incomplete, all of the mess, all of the forgotten. I think we talk a lot about giving ourselves grace, in the present. I need to practice giving myself grace in the remembering. I need to be gentle with my memories. I was a mommy doing the best I could with what I had that day. And aren't we all just doing the best we can, with what we have, on any given day? I practice giving myself grace in the day to day. But I still beat up on myself looking backward. And no amount of beating on my memories will change the outcome. Tomorrow morning when I get up, I'll take a new, courageous step. I'll remember those days, with 3 littles running around still in diapers while preparing for a new baby, and offer that 30 year old me some encouragement. "Kirby, those days were hard. But I see you did your best. Keep up the good work." Where can you look back in your life and offer that version of yourself gentleness and kindness?
Amera among the "flowers," July 2016.
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