Seeing Red
Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.
Ephesians 4:2 NLT
Saturday, I was angry. I was not humble and gentle with Stephen or myself. I was not patient with the situation. I did not make allowances for either of our faults.
Here’s the script to the big argument that brought our morning to an abrupt and unhappy stop, as I can recall it:
I asked Stephen, “Can you put those back in your office?”
He responded, “I didn’t put those there.”
I know, right?! Can’t you see how we would both so easily dive into anger?! Don’t those sound like fighting words to you?
Ok really. Have you had the same kind of argument before? Two days out, this is where I see it:
I don’t think I was downright nasty, but my words did not come with a tone of kindness. My tone sent Stephen spinning into defensiveness. And I think we all know that the rational part of our brain just disappears in moments like this.
I imagine what Stephen actually heard me say might have been something like this: “What a waste of a husband! This has been laying here for EVER and it’s about time you did something about it!”
My body reacted as though I heard him say “You worthless woman! This is your job; don’t be so lazy!”
I didn’t actually say any of those words I imagine Stephen heard. Stephen didn’t actually speak any of those words my body hollered back at me. That doesn’t matter; in the heat of the moment, common sense jumped out of the window. (I don’t blame her; I was not in the mood to be talked off the cliff in my moment of anger!)
I spoke 8 words and he responded with 5 of his own. We were just trying to do a Saturday morning clean up. The kids were being good; one of the big girls was even cleaning the bathroom! There was no obvious reason for the day to go so far downhill.
Now I can see that my reaction was ridiculous. That’s now.
At the time, I spent at least an hour and a half stomping around the house. I rehearsed all the nasty things I had to say about the situation. I replayed everything that has gone wrong in the 17 years since we met. I looked back on every failure in my life over these 37 years. I decided that all the world’s problems, past, present and future, were probably somehow my fault! Wow, oh wow did I make a mountain out of a molehill!
Thankfully, I had to be in town to see my friend Karen at noon. I sat in her back yard for half an hour. Her rubber ducky sat happily on the table, oblivious to the wrongs that had occurred. By the time I left her house, the volcano had stopped erupting.
I went home and apologized to the girls as I walked through the door for being such a grouch. I found Stephen and apologized for my tone.
I’m grateful I didn’t actually say any of the stuff I was rehearsing in my head. I’m grateful I was required to take some space.
I’m pretty sure Stephen and I have plenty more misunderstandings ahead of us. Hopefully, next time it won’t take so long to get myself together. Until then, I’ll just keep practicing.
What are you practicing this week?
A little yellow duck, May 2023.
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